Hopeful Romance
by heartofstone15
Summary: In honor of Saint Valentine's day, I give you a mockery of romance pairings. I own nothing. NOTHING, YOU HEAR ME! NOOOTHHHINGGGGG!


Zim glared at Dib and vice versa as they sat painfully chained together as Ms. Bitters explained the assignment.

"In honor of Valentine's day, an unknown multimillionaire investor has paid the skool board to force Zim and Dib to be partners in this year's egg raising competition and watch from the corner of the room," the teacher growled, pointing to an ecstatically happy and oddly dressed girl waving in the corner. "If any of you break your egg, you will be sent to work in the cafeteria as punishment."

This resulted in a collective groan from the class.

"Ms. Bitters?" Dib asked, unable to raise his hand. "How can me and Zim even move if we're tied together like this?"

Ms. Bitters shook her head in regret. "You poor child."

Dib sighed and glared at the signed egg sitting innocently on his desk. "Can you move, Zim?"

"OF COURSE I CAN MOVE, DIRT CHILD!" Zim yelled. "Or at least I COULD if your filthy meat sack of a body weren't keeping my PAK closed with its filthy, meaty, sweatyness!"

Ignoring Zim's comment, Dib curtly replied. "Well if you think you're so great..."

"I am."

"Then how about picking up our egg so we won't be forced to work in the kitchens. Man, with all that MEAT and WATER they have in there…"

He didn't get to finish. Zim was looking curiously at the light brown egg now in his claws.

"How did you do that without me feeling you move?" Dib asked.

"Zim is AMAZING! So….is this a human egg?"

"Zim, humans don't LAY eggs."

"So humans use the spore method of reproducing."

"What? No!"

"Tube method?"

"That sounds gross," Dib stuck out his tongue in disgust. "I mean what kind of weird creature would prefer to be born from a cold, feeling-less tube instead of naturaly? That's just WRONG."

"Shut your noise tube, fool," Zim sneered. "The tube method is well used throughout the universe by many different races and is regarded as a respectable means of reproducing."

"I just mean it makes it sound as if birthing was reduced to a sick, twisted FACTORY," Dib continued. "What kind of distorted race would deny a baby a parent? What happened to love and family?"

"Oh, as if filthy HUMANS have a better way to reproduce!" Zim burst out.

"It's better than whatever way you were born, alien!" countered Dib.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

"Prove it then!"

"Ha! If I tell you, you'll probably find some way to use it against humanity!"

"I'll tell you!" the millionaire girl was suddenly in front of them grinning like a sociopathic killer.

***some hours later***

"And that's how babies are made!" she proudly concluded.

The entire classroom was gaping at her, except Ms. Bitters whom was nowhere in sight.

"That has got to be the most disgusting thing I ever heard," Zim said in an oddly calm voice. "That includes anything Gir has ever done."

Dib just glared at her. "WHY did you tell the ALIEN INVADER about human reproduction?"

She stood there with a blank look in her eyes before snapping into action.

"YOU SAW NOTHING!" she screamed at the children before disappearing in a puff of glitter.

Zim jumped in shock, dropping the egg. It fell to the floor. Dib gasped and shouted "Noooooooo!" in a very slow voice. It crunched sickly upon contact with said floor, splattering and spraying its contents in all directions. Zim screamed in pain as egg juices grasped onto exposed skin. In a surprising show of anger and adrenaline, Dib twisted in the chains and started to throttle Zim. The slow motion effects wore off suddenly and shockingly as Ms. Bitters aperated in front of the fighting boys.

"Dib! Zim! You fail! Off to the kitchens!" she ordered.

Sometime later, the two enemies found themselves being glared at in a very creepy manner by a cross-eyed, muscular skool cook. Without warning, a small explosion of glitter, which got mixed in with the "food", announced the arrival of the insane girl. The cook seemed to shift her glare onto her.

"You again!" Dib shouted, still unable to move his arms because of the chains. "Go away! You've caused enough trouble. Why would you even pay money to tie me and Zim together?"

"Actually, I didn't," explained the girl, eyeing the lunch lady. "I'm from an alternate universe and I wanted some ZADR, but it didn't work out in the slightest. So I'm just here to warn you that I'll be doing other stuff as well."

"You're crazy, aren't you?" Dib said bluntly.

"Yes," nodded the girl. "Yes, I am."

"WHY must you torture Zim!" Zim demanded. "WHY, I say. WHY?"

"Because I can," the girl answered. "TO THE AWSOME CAVE!"

She ran out making "whoosh" noises with her arms held out in front of her.

The boys returned their attention to the cooking lady.

"Dib-monkey, I can't tell who she's looking at," Zim whispered.

"Neither can I," Dib shuddered.

**I like putting myself in a story. It is neat.**


End file.
